Topic: Viz Top Tips

BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means
they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
R Bowen

HIGH blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut
yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins
N. Rodwell
Herne Bay, Kent

MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get
rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp
to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
                        A. Feather

DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that
your dog is well trained by ordering it to do
whatever it happens to be doing already.
J. Kay
Elem, N.P.

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a
magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.
B. Vilbens

I'VE just seen a film where, after a plane crashed
in some mountains, the passengers had to eat each
other in order to survive. All well and good, but
what do the airlines expect vegetarians like myself
to do in similar circumstances? Could scientists
clone 'vegetable people', I wonder, a few of whom
could travel on every flight to provide a vegetarian
alternative to cannibalism in case of disaster.
E. Mullion
Haymarket, Edinburgh

MUMS. A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of
children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly
around supermarkets.
J. Tait

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing
ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it
embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical -
leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and staying warm
are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler
and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.
Mr A. Cream

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries,
sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of
black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats
in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on
their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.
R. Crosbie

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs
and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.
P. Reaney

STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by
placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with
heavy duty tape.
P. Reaney

PREVENT bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing
each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around
the stem with a clothes pin.
P. Reaney

DISAPPOINT wasps this summer by smearing cold tea on your
ears instead of honey.
P. Reaney

EMPTY cereal packets make ideal holders for old toilet roll tubes and
milk bottle tops which one should never throw away as they are most
handy, and have a variety of uses.
                     Mrs A. Ellis
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists.
                     Mrs P. Hamilton
WHEN buying toilet tissue I always unwind each roll carefully and
number the sheets individually using a Biro or felt-tipped pen.
     Mrs Howard

MY husband and I save pounds every year on household wear and tear
by living in a tent in the garden.
                     Mrs. I. Stokes
                     Potters Bar

HANG a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of
your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass
through will remind you to close the door behind you.
                    Mrs A. Ellis

WEIGH toilet rolls on your kitchen scales and record their weight after
each visit to the toilet. On each occasion deduct the new weight from
their previous weight. The figure remaining will be the exact weight of
toilet tissue which you have used on that particular 'visit'.
     Mrs Howard

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match
in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals
the source of the escaping gas.
     N. Burke

STOP nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by
stealthily crawling around the house on all fours.
                     D. E. Blancharde

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Mrs K. Smith

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'When there's life to be lived - and God Damnit I've lived it'
Dogmong 2017